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| <<<>>> |
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Interim |
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| Created by Decius at
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This is so I have a record of this. I know what needs to be accomplished but I actually do not have enough information to figure it out.
This is the conundrum:
I know that I must not feel personally less if my attempts at achieving something fail. Yet, I must also not be adverse to learning from my mistakes and acknowledging that I made a mistake. On the other hand, when I do not make mistakes and it is just a matter of time, I must be capable of biding that time without any personal suffering: sometimes things take a long time to take effect.
My life cannot be on hold. My health cannot suffer.
So the problem right now is I am not capable or confident enough to accurately determine (with a great deal of certainty) whether something is apparently a failure, or whether it is simply taking time. This does not pose a problem for short term goals... but rarely are short term goals that important.
It is surviving the long term goals that matters. And this problem certainly does present itself in long term goals. In long term goals, since I cannot confidently conclude that it is just taking time, I "rub myself raw" against the constant and neurotic possibility that I have erred somehow. In doing so, I wear myself down in every sense of the word "worn" : mentlaly, physically... I suffer a complete breakdown as time progresses for I aggressively constantly search for something that will tell me the mistake I made.
In fact, it seems I do not believe anything takes time. I believe it must be my mistake if it takes time.
This is a fallacy I have had my whole life yet somehow escaped through my quick wit, gifted intelligence, and the modern era of overnight success on the internet. These factors have helped prevent me from facing the turmoil of long term goals, as I have succeeded in reasonably short amounts of times in anything I have attempted to accomplish, be it health or wealth.
The very word and concept of "long term" makes me feel sick to the stomache. I despise such things. It is as if I feel that existence must be stagnant during the completion of any one task, and this is in error. A number of different long term tasks can be ongoing as I accomplish short term tasks. I must be able to remain at peace with myself with no short term tasks, with the complete and full confidence that the long term goals ARE being accomplished.
I cannot feel like I am wasting time, because I must be confident that I am not the kind of person that wastes time. I am not lazy, nor am I stupid. I am always moving forward, even if I am asleep for a week.
Once I trust this, I will have accomplished my current short term goal. Ironically this short term goal cannot be accomplished alongside others, and in fact taking time out to focus entirely on it seems in violation of the very lesson I am trying to achieve! But not so... for there are things we must take time out to do.
It is all about recognition and trusting that recognition. I know these things take time. But in my ability to accept that as truth, I sabotage all hope of success by tiring myself out.
When the end appears, I will know. I will know, when its time has come. |
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| Created by Decius at
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