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| <<<>>> |
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A Blog |
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| Created by Decius at
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So I threw up a few minutes ago. I was faithfully pursuing the M.H.E. for the last few days and today I felt the overwhelming urge to complete it by beating off to someone I actually care about and like.
So I put up pictures of her and did, and immediately after was filled with a sense of dread. I then thought about all the images I had absorbed over the last few days and immediately felt like throwing up. I allowed it to happen in the hope that perhaps something good would come of it, and boy did i throw up.
I surmise it is because I somehow made a connection between all those images and the girl that I love. It felt like I had defiled something by beating off to images of her, because I had viewed her sexually rather than intimately.
I was really confused, so I meditated. I tried to gain an understanding of what had just happened.
I thought about her... and I was not disgusted by her... but I wanted to hold her and talk to her and spend time with her. It felt like the premature stages of a relationship. Or a friendship with someone you knew you were going to be with forever.
Sex didn't enter the picture.
The inconsistency, I then conclude, is that I am not prepared to look at her sexually. She is a beautiful object that I wish to learn more about, regardless of her sex. I do feel that I would like to make love to her at some point in the future, but that is a very premature thought right now.
And so, the hormonal urges I feel as a man create problems... they prevent me from evolving with her in a natural state that coincides with my emotions, for my body has the urges to sexually satisfy itself.
I suppose then, that I must find a way to remove those desires, or avoid those desires, or quench/appease those desires in a completely seperate manner, so that I may evolve completely naturally with her.
For intercourse with her should be sexual after the basis of selfless respect exists so that neither of us defile our bodies. We are not at that stage yet.
So what is okay to fantasize about?
I don't know.
I don't know how to remove arousal from the picture. I do not wish to be aroused until i can be aroused with the woman I love.
Remove arousal. All i can think of is beating off as a solution. But then I need to fantasize... and that will drag me back into a world of idol worship, somewhere i do not want to be.
Perhaps I should excersize constantly. If my energies are distracted in that way on a constant basis, perhaps I will not be aroused as often.
Yes?
I think I may have damaged my delicate psyche this time.
Perhaps it is time to become a recluse like I've never been before. I'm tired. |
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| Created by Decius at
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