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| <<<>>> |
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About Infidelity |
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| Created by Decius at
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Infidelity, or cheating, defines the act of betraying a partner sexually by being intimate with someone else. A lot of instances relating to cheating vary in nature. Sometimes the person was drunk... other times it was the result of a fight, or even revenge for another hurt. Sometimes it was just lust surrounded by special circumstances. Sometimes it was simply boredom.
The questions you have to ask yourself are this:
1. Would you stay with them if they cheated again?
2. Would be be able to stay with them knowing they are still cheating?
If your answers to 1 and 2 aren't immediately "No", there is no real reason to seek a solution to your problem. You are in a very unhealthy relationship and it is very likely that your partner already abuses you on a regular basis in a variety of ways, emotionally and/or physically. Your only solution is to remain single and without emotional support for at least six months. Likely, you find yourself jumping from relationship to relationship, or are in the same relationship and have become accustomed to the ill-treatment you are suffering.
If your answers to 1 and 2 are "No", then your problem at this point is to analyze why your partner cheated, and whether or not this indicates an unhealthy relationship.
The biggest problem with cheating isn't necessarily the act of intercourse. This is a miss-conception. Of course it is easy to relate the act to all the anger and pain you feel, and some of it IS related to the act. But the main reason a partner's infidelity hurts us as it does is the betrayal of it.
A Guide to Dealing with Infidelity
There are three main possibilities in regards to your partner and their motives in cheating:
1) They made a mistake that is potentially forgivable.
2) They are unhappy in the current relationship (with you).
3) They are selfish/stupid people and chose lust over loyalty.
Length and frequency of cheating:
If your partner only cheated once, and this is definitely the one and only time, then all three choices are a possibility.
If your partner cheated numerous times in a short span of time, all three are still possibilities, but #1 is less than likely.
If your partner cheated numerous times over a long period of time, #1 is very unlikely, as is only #2. Likely, they fall into #3, and possibly a combination of #2 and #3.
How you found out:
If your partner came clean almost immediately, then #1 is almost certain.
If your partner waited for a while and then came clean, it is most likely a combination of #1 and #2.
If your partner did not tell you and you found out through other means, either they intended to tell you but were caught first, or they did not intend to tell you. Either way, #3 is a very good possibility in this case. (Usually, they did "intend" to tell you, but in reality would never do so)
Who they cheated with:
Simply, if it was someone close to you, such as a friend or even family member, then it likely caused you even more anguish. This was predictable, and so they easily fall into #3.
If it was someone who meant very little, it is then more likely that it was a freak occurrence or an uncontrollable lust. Either way, #1 and #2 are possibilities.
The risk factor:
Are you married? Do you have children? Are your families closely knit?
If your partner risked a lot in cheating, this means that they likely fall into #2 and #3. Either they were desperate, or didn't care. Freak accidents rarely occur when there is much to lose.
If you conclude that your partner mainly falls into #1, then the biggest task you have is to determine whether or not you think they will do it again, and whether or not you can get over the betrayal. It is more a personal emotional decision rather than a logical one because you have already determined that there were no deep rooted reasons for the cheating to occur. It was a mistake, and your partner most likely repents it. The question is, therefore, do you want to go through the trouble of salvaging the relationship or dropping it entirely?
If your partner falls into #2, then counseling would likely be the best choice. If counseling is not an option, simply sit down with your partner and talk openly and logically about what happened, why it happened, and whether it will happen again. There is little to no point to assuring yourself it won't happen again unless you believe the reasons you come up with for your partner's infidelity. In other words, you must spend a great deal of time and effort in finding out WHY your partner cheated, and whether or not you both can work on improving your relationship so that such a need never arises again. Remember, it is rarely one person's fault, even if they are the ones that reacted to it first.
If you conclude that your partner falls into #3, it is unfortunately (but also good to know) indicative that you should move on. Your partner is likely a selfish person, and has grown accustomed to doing things that hurt you little by little. You have also grown accustomed to accepting these hurts and smiling, likely because your partner expects you to. Being alone and risking a break up is a terribly scary thing, but the sooner you escape being further "trained" to accept abuse, the sooner you can look for something better.
Generally, the best way to deal with betrayal in any form, including cheating, is to attempt to separate your feelings from your logic, and to realize that wishful thinking doesn't make the other person any more innocent or caring. Nor does it make you angelic or a victim.
Don't stay with your mate simply because loneliness makes you want to kill yourself. The pain of them cheating over and over will take its toll, and its toll on your children and everyone connected to you. If they will continue to do it, something must be done now, starting with the examination of reasons why it occurred in the first place.
It is generally no one's fault when cheating occurs. It is the unfortunate result of a poor dynamic in your relationship. Either you give your partner too much slack so they think they can get away with it, or you abuse your partner on a constant basis so they must seek fulfillment elsewhere. Perhaps you two simply don't take your relationship as seriously as you should. Perhaps you have both fallen out of love, and this is the breaking point.
Regardless of the reason, infidelity is a very good reason to almost immediately become more Aware of your relationship, and your own personality. |
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| Created by Decius at
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