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Gary, the fag |
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| Created by Decius at
| [+ favourites]
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You can never really tell if a person is into you. There's making yourself vulnerable about wanting someone, and them smirking in your face as they reject you. But then there's the plethora of responses associated with being "rejected" when you're gay. Few of which are peaceful verbal settlements.
I am attracted to beautiful men... the beauty of men... probably similarly to how women see them. See, I love women, but I worship men. All men are gentle. Those that are not are hiding it. A man that can love, will love you more than any other creature will. The adorable facial hair, the strong complexion. A gentle but stern man is a beautiful thing. I love such devotion.
The dynamics of my relationships, although not spectacular, still hold an odd perfection. When I kiss a man... when I smell his cologne and feel his tender strength, I am weakened. I suppose I am the weaker of our pair, but it isn't wholly true. I too contain many of the traits that my partner does, and so I too must be the "man" at times. And I enjoy such times. In a theatre, I might be the one to reach over and grab his hand. And so the power shifts. This perplexing dynamic makes me smile. Only in such a perfect situation could two people be truly equal and supportive.
I could never be with a woman. Perhaps a dyke. But then she wouldn't want to be with me. She probably seeks the soft vulnerability of a woman, whereas I need strength from my partner. Vulnerable is lovable, but not loyal or dependable. I am a male chauvenist perhaps... making generalizations about women. But I've met enough in my life to make a few safe conclusions.
Sexually, I wouldn't call myself promiscuous. Sometimes I get bored or restless and fool around with some guy I met at a party. It's unbelievable how many guys want to know what kissing another man is like. Of course, you can't get this out of them when they are sober. Some bullshit societal thing tells us it's perfectly all right for two girls to nearly fuck one another on a dance floor while being cheered on, but the moment two guys start grinding everybody whispers. Even the women who were grinding.
Unless you were constantly supported and surrounded by people who accepted you, you are probably a lot like me. I am one of those guys that will call you first. I am those pathetic types that will think about you longer than you'll ever know. I will sit by the phone and wait for your call, and then try my best to act as if I had no idea you were going to call, when you finally call days later. I get stomach aches waiting. I am needy, and I guess I'm more needy than the people I meet. That's always the way it is... I treat people who need me the same way you treat me. Not through any malicious intent, but just because the easiest way to kill desire is to make the goal easily attainable.
It is a curse to be this way, and be gay. A lot of the time the calls I wait for end up being far too casual for my taste. Mostly because the guy on the other end isn't gay, or doesn't want to be gay, or has no idea that I am gay. It doesn't last long after that. I am tantalized by a man when I sit accross the room from him, staring at him, while he goes on about useless things. He has no idea what I am thinking. He's like a big bear, innocent, an untouched soda can waiting to be opened. I'm not much conversation; all I can think about is figuring out ways to catalyze his heat and help him drop his facade. The silent types like me because I don't talk much. I really can't... I could say something wrong. I'll just sit here and act all friendly-like, go home and masturbate till my eyes pop out of my head. Then I'll lay back in my own filth and fight the depression that ensues.
To me, every single man I meet is special, in his own way. This is why I am depressed after I come. A fantasy I'll never ever have, to be realized so immediately and sharply in one moment in time. No chance... he'll never look at me, and if he does it'll be for just a brief moment, to be immediately followed by shame. Shame for desiring me. And the poor fool doesn't even realize I already love him.
It's a truth I have to face every moment of every day: People truly sad, lonely and in sorrow due to their loneliness and being unloved. Not smiling when they go to bed, but a bland numb look, because the loneliness has lasted longer than they ever expected it to.
And here I am, a gentle man full of so much love to give. |
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| Created by Decius at
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