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| <<<>>> |
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An Analysis of Insecurity |
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| Created by Decius at
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Let's begin with a dictionary.com definition:
in*se*cure
1. Not sure or certain; doubtful: unemployed and facing an insecure future.
2. Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: A shortage of military police made the air base insecure.
3. Not firm or fixed; unsteady: an insecure foothold.
4. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.
5. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety: had always felt insecure at parties.
As I read this definition, something occurred that had previously escaped me. In all my uses of the word "insecure" I always naturally correlated it to a lack of security in oneself... as in, a lack of confidence. But the word "insecure" also describes a fear of safety. It is interesting that a lack of confidence in oneself often, in our social world, preempts a fear in one's own safety… be it emotionally or physically.
The reason I am writing this right now is that I am currently suffering from various pains. These pains include a fear of being alone, fear of being manipulated, fear of betraying others, and a fear of being taken advantage of. In fact, none of the pain I suffer is pain, per say… it is a fear of pain.
If we therefore umbrella all of the fears into one, we find ourselves fearful of pain. This would be the "parent" fear from which all other fears are born. So we'll begin with that.
Why does there exist a fear of pain within me? Logically speaking, it would be because I have felt pain in the past, found it to be unpleasant, and therefore do not wish to have it re-occur. Further logic would indicate that the more severe the pain, the more severe the fear.
This fear of pain would attach itself to an event or circumstance that propagated the pain. If you got burnt by a flame, you would naturally be fearful of flames. So let's use my situation as a case study to figure out what past events caused me pain and how I am now conditioned to fear those "flames".
Fear 1 : Guilt
Description: The process of regretting one's motives due to pain caused to another.
Correct Cause: Causing someone pain for one's own selfish fulfillment or neglect. The person affected is generally more vulnerable to you than you are to them.
Incorrect Cause : Vulnerability to a person that is not aware of your level of vulnerability. As a result, they project their own fears unto you, making you believe you are worse than you really are.
Case Study Conditioning: From a youth I was quite different from the family that surrounded me. My professional goals, social desires, and monetary habits were offensive to my family and in an effort to control my actions I was made to feel guilty for being the way I was. When I rebelled such attempts, I was physically, monetarily or emotionally punished in a further attempt to condition me to abide by their desires. Over time I grew to be independent of my family in an emotional, economic, and social sense.
Psychological Effect: Although I no longer fear my family I am constantly reminded of my suffering as a youth. I constantly yearn to be able to be weak and vulnerable but all such attempts result in abuses. I naturally fear being vulnerable to people because I fear they will make me feel guilty about my actions and therefore question my motives, morally. When I refuse to feel guilty, they will punish me emotionally to the point where I will no longer be affected by them.
Footnote: As I write this I am filled with disdain, anger, and a feeling of desolate failure. This is because although I fear being vulnerable, I constantly yearn to be safely vulnerable. The fact that this is becoming more and more of a distant possibility is pushing me to a point where I will change, and no longer expect it.
Fear 2 : Rejection
Description: Being desired less by someone I want to be desired by.
Correct Cause: Someone logically asserting why we are incompatible through no inadequacies on either of our parts.
Incorrect Cause: Rejection due to misunderstandings, overwhelming fears, or a previously miss-judged lack of desire to begin with.
Case Study Conditioning: Again, from a youth I was not very popular or cool. I was rejected by both girls and boys and my friends were far and few between. Being so anti-social, matched with my own rebellions at home, I was made to feel extremely unwelcomed by anyone in any capacity. This continued throughout most of my life and I now find myself naturally alien to anyone around me. I do not perceive myself as a fitting member of the world and actually view myself as somewhat of a "mistake". As such, when I enter relationships I quickly decipher what superficial reasons a person has for desiring me. I find it impossible to believe that someone would desire a "mistake" like me for non-superficial reasons. This is further re-enforced by numerous relationships I have had in the past that have failed due to a person's realization that they truly don't desire me, but only thought I did because I fulfilled a particular superficial need in their lives. Once this realization has been made, they move on with little to no emotional anguish.
Psychological Effect: I have compensated my fears of rejection in regards to my physical being due to arbitrated conditioning to not expect to be desired in that way. I still hope and expect to be loved for who I am, but am very weary of this possibility and constantly fear someone I am close to "waking up" and realizing that the position I play in their life is no longer needed. Once this position has expired, there is nothing left to desire, as has traditionally been the case. In essence, because I am such an alien presence in this world, no one else in this world could possibly love or want someone like me because they will not know or understand who I am. They will think they love or desire me, but it will always end up being the position I play in their lives.
Footnote: I don't fully know how deeply this fear affects me, but I do know that I believe everyone in my life will leave me before I leave them. Similar to vulnerability, I constantly yearn to be desired by someone for who I am, and it is this need that most likely causes me to write articles like this one.
Fear 3 : Inadequacy
Description: Feeling worthless compared to anyone around me. When I am made to feel inadequate I feel very small and suffer bouts of pain and anger.
Correct Cause: A failure in attempting to improve your life and better yourself in physical, emotional, and economic ways.
Incorrect Cause: Believing someone else's incorrect perception of you. Their perception may be due to natural mistakes, but is usually the biased result of their own inadequacy.
Case Study Conditioning: One of the methods of control my family has used on me to control my behavior has been to make me feel inadequate about myself. In achieving this, I feel less certain about my own natural desires and open myself to the possibility of abiding by exactly what they want. This, matched with my lack of desirability in my social interactions with the rest of the world certifies that being an alien in this world, I am truly inadequate compared to those that do fit in.
Psychological Effect: I find that almost all of my pride and confidence arises at a very slow pace, if at all. There is very little I pride myself on, and when I receive compliments I refer to my fear of rejection and assume the person is complimenting me for some personal desire of their own. I find it easy to question myself on a daily basis, given a comment from a total stranger or my own parents. I tend to believe the world is right before I trust myself. This causes me to slightly fear the world as a whole, for as I build my own confidence in solitude, much of it is torn away by a simple look or phrase uttered by someone who is most likely commenting to compensate their own inadequacies, and has no relevant bearing on who or what I am.
Footnote: Although inadequacy is less tangent of a fear, it is perhaps the most defining base characteristic of "insecurity". If one feels less than someone else, they can easily be victimized by a host of other attacks, including guilt and rejection. Although I was very weak as a child, I am much stronger now and I've built a strong layer of confidence over the last few years. Although this usually protects me from the words of strangers, those close to me still have the quick ability to make me feel worthless. Interestingly, I logically perceive myself as a spectacular human being with a host of skills and traits that few others have, yet that information does not successfully pass clearly into my mind and is somehow defiled before it actually makes me feel proud.
These three insecurities, if removed, would result in quite a complete human being in myself. There may be others, but these three are probably the largest culprits. They spawn all kinds of varied instabilities in myself and I can empathize with each one of them disappearing. I empathize not needing anyone in an illogical and weak way, yet not sheltering myself in an overly aggressive way. |
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| Created by Decius at
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